Wednesday, November 21

I am sitting across from someone I love and they are talking about something I can’t hold my focus on, they notice the shift of my usual demeanour and ask if I am okay. I say “I just don’t feel like myself of late”.

I am sitting across from someone I love, the same person, a few months later and they are talking about something I can’t hold my focus on, except this time they do not ask me if I am okay. They have asked that question too many times lately and my answer never changes so instead we ignore it to fight off the silence. They look at me until I look up at them and start to say “I just don’t feel like myself today” but I can’t get out the words before I wonder, “what does ‘yourself’ feel like?”

I don’t feel like myself lately but I can’t remember what ‘myself’ is supposed to feel like. I don’t feel like myself lately but how long do you have to feel like someone else before you become them?

I am sitting across from someone I used to love, trying to remember what that felt like. I am sitting across from someone I used to love, trying to remember the person they fell in love with.

I am standing across from someone who used to love me. I am watching them walk out, I am watching them give up on trying to figure out who I have become. I don’t know who I am anymore, other than someone you decided you haven’t got the strength to love.

 

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