Tuesday, June 19

Distance has a heartbeat and it’s in sync with her breathing and it’s all I can hear when she’s not with me. I have never known missing like this, physically hurting from not being able to touch her.

I can think about kissing her, or touching her and its fine for a while but if I think of the small things, like our legs touching under the table at dinner, or my hand on her knee or her head on my shoulder, I feel something swelling inside my chest bubbling into my throat and my entire body aches likes I’m never going to see her again.

The good thing about beauty and everything else is, it is subjective and the bad thing is now that I’ve seen beautiful things with her seeing them alone is a reminder of a smile I can’t see. the hair on my back stands up when she says she misses me because I know when she means it’s okay but once in a while, she means it exactly how I feel it, this hollow, this ache. she says she misses me and it feels like I’ve broken her heart.

It consumes all of me and there are nights I can’t listen to her sleep because it feels like it’s gonna be the death of me not being able to kiss her eyelids or her cheeks. I never knew missing someone who isn’t gone can be so fucking painful, it’s like she’s left and is never coming back, it’s like she doesn’t love me, it’s like memories are all I have left.

I think back to the months we didn’t know we still loved each other and how much easier it was than missing her like this. everything seems easier than this, everything but loving anyone else seems easier than this. loneliness is a habit, I’m in love and it’s terrifying but I never want to leave.

I know I’m going to see her again and sometimes that’s enough but most times I can’t convince the rest of me it’s only been a month. it feels like I’ve been without her longer than I have been with her because I have.

Two years in two months and I’ve touched her so little I could count them all in my head but I don’t because when I think about it too hard it opens that hole in my heart and I can’t breathe and every day it feels like I’ve lost someone that isn’t even going to leave.

Distance has a heartbeat and it’s killing me.

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