Wednesday, January 17

Hi guys, this is not a movie review. Here, I ruin movies by overanalysing them and unnecessarily complaining about shit that doesn’t matter in the movie, just for fun.

I chose Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham…(I have no idea why they spell Kabhi two different ways in the same title and it has bothered me for years) as my victim because this movie has not aged well at all. And there’s just so much stuff to talk about in this movie. It’s three and a half hours long and has characters ranging from redundant to ridiculous. So, let’s slice this thing up!

The movie starts off with a cricket match. It’s only a few seconds into the movie and even the more reluctant audience members are now deeply invested just because there’s cricket one the screen.

Fun Fact – This movie and Lagaan came out the same year. Both movies feature one of the characters hitting a six and the fielders catching it once the ball is outside the boundary. So weird.

Moving on, Hrithik Roshan (Rohan) is done with his final semester in college and now he’s heading to Amritsar to see his Maternal and Paternal Grandmothers.

Am I the only one who thinks that it isn’t a good idea to put Nani and Dadi in the same house? Doing so is a recipe for violence, war and destruction. I’m amazed that they didn’t set Amritsar on fire. For all of it’s flaws, this movie really nails old people.

 

OVERSHARING AT ITS FINEST 

 

I’ve always been confused by the title track of this movie because the first time we hear it in the movie is during an Aarti. So is it like official? Can I choose to sing this song the next time we have Pooja in our house and not get disowned by my family? Someone check and let me know.

SLAVERY WITH EXTRA STEPS 

Who are these people in the background? Do they live in the house? Are they guests? Then why are they always dancing and never mingling? So many questions…

This movie also nails how strong every mother’s sense of smell is. Nandani can smell Rahul from a couple hundred feet away. So accurate.

 

So Naina (Rani Mukherjee) is a straight up gold-digger right? She keeps saying that her and Rahul are friends and what not but all she wants is Rahul Senior’s wealth. She’s there in the house even before Rahul comes back to the house, just buttering up her Mother and Father-in-law to be. She’s already accepted her place in this new house before Rahul can accept her as more than a friend.

Now if it feels like I’m being too harsh on her, it’s because she literally disappears once Kajol enters the picture. You’d think that she’d stick around because she has a close relationship not just with Rahul but also with his parents. But nope, once Rahul decides to get with crazy, Naina is never heard from again. Maybe Shah Rukh has a habit of tricking women named Naina. They should probably just play it Saif instead.

 

Speaking of crazy, enter Anjali (Kajol) ]. This is crazy at its peak. She is the loudest, dumbest and most annoying thing about this movie. She does nothing but talk at different volumes and then eventually gets married and continues to do the same.

Play a drinking game where you take a shot whenever she speaks in a pitch higher than normal. I guarantee you’ll be dead within 10 minutes.

Brief side-note: It has been established that it’s Diwali when Rahul comes back which means it’s October. Look at what they’re wearing. Rahul is wearing a blazer and a turtleneck sweater and Rohan has a hoodie on. And they’re driving a convertible with the top off. This movie makes no goddamn sense.

Also, there isn’t really any reason given to why Rahul is into Anjali. He just fell for a crazy bipolar person and subsequently lost his money, respect and family.

What is even eerier is that Rohan is played by Hrithik Roshan, who in real life fell for a crazy bipolar person and subsequently lost his money, respect and family.

Anyway, so it has been a couple of weeks since Rahul and Anjali met and they’ve already shared a song sequence together so the next step is obviously marriage.

Rahul tries to confront his father about the whole thing and this is basically how the entire interaction plays out.

And because Rahul is just a weak weepy 12 year old kid, he decides to go break up with Anjali and honour his father’s unreasonably narrow-minded wishes.

While he’s on his way to break up with Anjali, he gatecrashes her dad’s funeral. To prevent things from getting all awkward, he decides that now is the best time for them to marry each other.

So the Rahul goes back home with Anjali and his dad is like “You had one job! Anyway, you’re banished because you’re adopted and I hate you.”

So Rahul and Anjali go settle in London. Couldn’t they just go to Bombay so they would’ve been easier to find and the movie could’ve been shorter?

Since Rahul has vanished with his family, it is on Hrithik Roshan to re-unite them all. So he goes to London and the first person he interacts with is Pooja.

I just realised that I haven’t even talked about Pooja yet. She is Anjali’s sister and was insulted by Rohan when they were kids for belonging to the middle class. Then Rohan apologised and they became friends so now they have to be romantically involved.

I’m not gonna lie, Pooja could have been an interesting character. She was insulted by the upper class for belonging to the middle class, a lifestyle that she did not choose. Later, her sister was banished by people of the same upper class for being of a lower social standing.

Growing up, her character could’ve been one which took pride and stood by what she was born into and truly embraced it. She could’ve been a humble person who didn’t let go of her roots.

Could’ve been. Could’ve been…

So Pooja becoming a Bumbling Bimbo and just as annoying as Anjali. Maybe it runs in the family.

Speaking of family, Rahul’s family became the gold standard of NRI families. They would put Amrish Puri to shame if there was ever a competition between them. I just don’t understand, why did they have to leave India if they loved being there so much?

After we are re-introduced to these guys, Rohan thinks that it’s a great idea to play an overelaborate game of ‘Guess who?’ with his family. As if a longer run time is what this movie needed.

Literally four song sequences later, Rahul finally figures out that the man living with them is his brother Rohan and they have a touching conversation on a park bench.

Now the movie basically ends. The entire family runs into each other. There’s another funeral and they end up apologising to each other. Rohan and Pooja get married and you lose three and a half hours of your life which Karan Johar will never give back to you.

This movie is iconic because of how over the top and ridiculous it is. None of the characters in the movie emulate how a real human being functions and that’s why it’s so good. It’s like watching an alien species interact with each other. The only reason people keep coming back to this movie is to truly figure out what it’s all about.

Who are these people? Why do they do what they do? Does Bournvita help you cut weight? These are the questions that keep me awake at night.

That’s all I have to say about that. If you guys liked this stuff then share it with your friends. Spread awareness that K3G addiction is real and deadly. Help people overcome the sick obsession they have with movie.

-Amil

P.S – Anyone who can list out all the Movie and T.V references I made in this article gets a cookie. 

 

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About Author

Likes to watch films and T.V shows. Loves to point out the flaws in each film or T.V show and pretends that he is a know-it-all Golden God who can do no wrong.